​What A Change!

During my son’s last year of high school, he fought with his sister all the time.  No, seriously.  These kids fought All. The. Time.  It drove me crazy.   Any little thing would set them off. Someone moved/hid the other’s water bottle.  Someone used the other kid’s cell phone charger and didn’t return it.  Someone played their music too loudly while the other one was trying to sleep or study.  I’m not kidding.  These are actual things that my kids argued about.  It was annoying and shocking to me because my kids are only 17 months apart, and they had been so close.  Last year, they were enemies.

I have to admit.  This new development in their relationship worried me.  I’m not saying that they had never fought with each other before.  One can only wish for perfect kids like that!  No, my kids had their arguments, but they were never as mean spirited as these were.  And, it never lasted as long.  This lasted all year long.  It was horrible!  They would call each other names, my son made my daughter cry on several occasions, and they both wanted nothing to do with each other.  I worried that they would never be able to mend their relationship.  

The last thing I wanted was for my kids to hate each other, so I tried speaking with the both of them separately about how they were treating each other.  I reminded each of them that when their father and I die, they will only have each other left. That had no impact on their behavior.  I reminded them that they should treat each other the same way they wanted to be treated.  That advise just went in one ear and out the other.  I told them that one day, they would be adults with their own kids and that they would want their children to know each other.  No luck.  Nothing I did seemed to matter.  Nothing.  These kids hated each other.

I spoke to some of my friends about my kid’s relationship with each other.  One of my friends has kids who are a few years older than mine.  She told me that she went through the exact same thing with her kids.  I couldn’t believe it.  Her kids seemed so quiet, at least they were that way when they were around company.  I couldn’t picture her kids ever fighting with each other the way mine did.  She assured me that they did and shared that their behavior changed once her daughter went off to college.  Then, they became close.   No matter what she said, I couldn’t imagine my kids becoming friends again.  I just couldn’t see it. Other friends suggested that my kids were acting out because it is my son’s last year home, and the two of them didn’t know how to express that they will miss one another.  That could be, but damn!  All they had to do was say, “Hey, I love you and I’m going to miss you next year.”  But no.  Instead, I got, “I hate you.”  “I’m never going to talk to you again.” “I can’t wait until you leave.”, and everything in between.

The day we dropped my son off at college, I thought these kids would say good riddance to each other and never look back.  But, their behavior towards each other changed that day.  First of all, when one of the upperclassmen told my son that he had to get the key for his room, my son automatically turned to his sister and told her to go with him to get it.  She did.  Then, while I was parking the car in the parking lot and waiting for the shuttle bus to get back to the dormitory, my daughter arranged everything in my son’s room and had a list of things I needed to purchase from Walmart.  Lastly, when my daughter was leaving to go back to Brooklyn, my son hugged her long and tight, and told her that he loved her.  Awww!

My son has been away at college for two months now.  A few weeks ago, I asked my daughter if she missed her brother.  She told me no, but then she followed up with, “How could I?  He keeps texting and calling me.”  It is funny how their attitude regarding each other has changed.  Every time my son speaks to me, one of the first questions he asks is how is his sister doing.  If she is nearby, I put her on the phone.  At the end of their conversation, I hear him say, “I love you.” He talks to her when she needs advise, and he calls her when he needs someone to talk to.  I guess it is true, absence does make the heart grow fonder.

Siblings constantly fight with each other.  As a parent, you worry about your kids and their relationship with each other.  I know I do.  After all, you don’t want to be one of those families that has a knock down fight each Thanksgiving.  I mean, it is fun to watch, as long as its not your family.  In this case, all my worrying about my kids relationship with each other seems to have been for nothing.  My friends were right.  Deep down, these kids really do love each other, and things definitely got better once my son went to college.  

Advise may be hard to accept, but remember, there are other parents who have already gone through what you are experiencing.  Listen to them.  They may just know what they’re talking about.  Apparently, I needed to listen to my own friends.  They had  already been through this.  Oh well.  No one is perfect.

So, now you know, and you can … Consider Yourself Warned! 

Parents, has there ever been a time when you sought someone’s advice, got it, and didn’t believe that they knew what they were talking about, or that it would work for your situation?  If so, tell us about it.