Consider yourself warned!
A guide for those who think they want children.
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Food. We all like to eat. We all like to have food in the fridge. Just went grocery shopping? Wait a minute! Where’s those cookies I’ve been craving? Where’s the ice cream I just bought? Think food stays in the house? Not if you have kids! If you have kids, you will find that food doesn’t stay in the house very long. I started noticing it when my son became a preteen. Suddenly, I never had enough food in the apartment! I would cook, and there wouldn’t be any leftovers for the next day! How could that be? I just didn’t understand, I cooked enough for a small army, and my daughter and I barely ate. I soon learned that the growth that occurs between the preteen and teenage years means that one should just go ahead and invest in BJ’s because you will be spending a lot of time and money there.
Let me share a story with you. One beautiful, sunny day, one of my friends invited us over to her neighborhood block party. My son was about ten years old at the time. We go and my friend’s husband is cooking on his grill. I can honestly say that other than to go to use the bathroom, I don’t think my son ever left his side! I was so embarrassed. My son was stationed at the grill as if he hadn’t eaten in years and the food would disappear once he left his side. If it came off the grill, he ate it, cheeseburgers, hot dogs, anything. Luckily for me, my friend’s husband enjoyed every last minute of it. I, on the other hand, was mortified! Anyway, it was time to leave and my friend told me to take some food home. I declined since we were leaving the next morning to go to the Poconos. But she insisted. Thank God she did!! Before we got halfway home, my son asked me, “Mommy, what’s for dinner?” I replied, “Honey, you already had dinner.” To which he responded, “No Mommy. That was lunch!” I couldn’t believe it! Do you know that this child went home and ate again? I was amazed. How could someone so little, eat so much? Fast forward to the teenage years. We went through a period of time where I would come home from work and my son would greet me at the door. He would say hi, give me a hug and a kiss, and then ask “Hey Mom, what’s for dinner?” I mean, come on, I haven’t even taken my coat off yet and you want me to think about dinner? The interesting thing is that this child had been home for at least two hours already, and HE HAD ALREADY EATEN. I eventually told him to stop meeting me at the door and asking what was for dinner. After all, I am not a maid or short order cook. If you want something for yourself, you actually have to resort to hiding food and hoping that no one finds your secret hiding place. I once hid a pint of Hagen Daaz Chocolate, Chocolate Chip Ice Cream in the freezer. I was so looking forward to eating that ice cream. Oh, I couldn’t wait for my kids to go to their father’s for the night so I could have that ice cream all to myself. I figured, hey, I hid the ice cream deeeeeep in the freezer. They won’t find it. Besides, they didn’t even know that I bought it, so there was no reason for them to even look for it. Well, let me tell you what happened. I opened that pint of ice cream … and it was half eaten!!! So, if you think that you will have the luxury of eating the food that you actually bought for yourself, if you have kids, it’s not happening! Consider yourself warned! Where do you hide your goodies?
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I think that no matter how old you are, you will always think that you are cool and hip. But for some reason, when your kids reach a certain age, they won’t think you’re cool anymore. I had my first rude awakening when I overheard my daughter, who was about nine at the time, tell her brother, “You know, Mommy’s a little bit cool.” What? A little bit cool? Does this child not know who her mother is? I couldn’t believe my ears! I was so shocked that I couldn’t even say anything to her. I didn’t understand, how could she not think that I am cool? And why did her brother agree with her? Are these really my children?
The next time was about two years ago when I was taking my son to the eight grade dance (which I was chaperoning). I was driving him to his friend’s house where a bunch of the boys were going to meet before the dance and walk over together. On the way over there, my son forbade me from dancing at the party. I couldn’t understand, I am a great dancer. Now, I wasn’t really planning on dancing, but if the right song came on and the mood hit... But no, I had to stay in my lane. I guess I really shouldn’t have been shocked when my daughter told me the exact same thing right before her eight grade dance a year later. Then last week, my daughter had her first high school dance. The dance was in Manhattan, at night, which meant that I had to accompany her on the train. Being the cool mom that I am, I told my daughter that she could walk the last block to school by herself so that she could meet her friends. That child had the nerve to look at me and say, “How about three blocks?” Really? No my love, I need to see that you and your friends actually get to the school. I may be cool, but I’m not about to let my thirteen year old daughter loose with a bunch of her freshman high school friends on the streets, three blocks before they get to the party at the all boy’s school (oh, I forgot to mention, this party was at an all boy’s high school. The girl is lucky I didn’t walk her up to the front door like I saw some other parents do). Just a side note, my daughter asked me if I went to parties when I was in high school and then said that she wanted to hear some stories of the “groovy“ parties that I went to (groovy was in air quotes). I just looked at her and said, “I don’t know how old you think I am, but we did not use the term ‘groovy’ when I was in high school”. Can you believe the girl had the nerve to look shocked! Anyway, I digress. Then, earlier this week, my son sent me a text that he was stopping by my office afterschool with one of his friends. That child actually had the nerve to put in the text, “Don’t embarrass me mom”. Wait, what? Me, embarrass you? Like, what was I going to do, whip out the baby pictures, slobber all over him in front of his friend? Then, when I failed to text him back in a timely fashion, after all, that child of mine had the nerve to call me just so that I would know not to embarrass him. After he left with his friend, I texted him to find out how I did. His response, “You did ok.” Ok, just ok? I was damn good! I thought I was really cool and laid back. Well, maybe making him and his friend go to the supply room to get me a box of copy paper was a bit much. But then again, he did come to my job. I may as well put him to work. Anyway, I’m not quite sure how you lose your coolness when you become a parent, but I refuse to believe that I’ve lost mine … no matter what my kids say. I guess when they’re old enough to go to happy hour or clubbing with me, they’ll see just how wrong they are. Until then … Consider yourself warned! Ok moms and dads, when did you first realize that your kids no longer thought you were cool? |
SassyGirlTye lives with her two wonderful teenagers in Brooklyn, New York. No matter what she says in her posts, she truly loves her children with all her heart.
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